"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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