You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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