Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i will never coherently bang her
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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