Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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