I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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