I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
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She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.