he told me I talked like a deaf person
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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