My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.