are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
