why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I look better un-naked...
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
