Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
