She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
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We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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