If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
