I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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