I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
