You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
