I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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