I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
