we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
