Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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