a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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