I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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