So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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