my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
