wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
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I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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