dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
