Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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