I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
