Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
