Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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