He asked to "fluff my boner.."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.