If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.