Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
