you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
