It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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