A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
