My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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