i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
