Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
