I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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