Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
