Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
