The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
