We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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