omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
