I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
