making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
