I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just gargled with NyQuil
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
