clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
