I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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