At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
