did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
