At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
