oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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