he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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