The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
