i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
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i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
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Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.