i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
