How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
